The Monopoly glue is making me dizzy

The Monopoly glue is making me dizzy 3.00/5 (60.00%) 2 votes

Like thousands of doofuses who hope to circumvent hard work for fast riches through stupid grocery store games and lotteries, I’m at the table licking stamps in the new Jewel Osco $80 Million (right!) Monopoly Game. I get suckered in every time.

By Ray Hanania

RayHananiaColumnBoxI promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t do it again.

But I happen to like to wander the aisles of the grocery store. When we need milk, I volunteer to go, but I always come back with two or three bags of other groceries.

The food just looks so good. And with the groceries now, I also come home with a handful of little black squares for Jewel Osco’s new $80 million “Monopoly Game.”

When I played Monopoly as a young kid, it was fun. It was competitive and you always knew someone sitting around the game board would win.

Not this game. No one that I know wins the Jewel Monopoly Game, except Jewel. Or like with the Illinois Lottery, some dufus who bought one lottery ticket by accident in a backwoods downstate road-stop.

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Still, here I am with 300 little black playing cards stacked up on the dining room table with a game board that is intentionally misleading.

Every time you buy groceries, they give you a game card. But you have to tear them open and sort them into sections. One section is a coupon for stuff I would never buy. The remaining section has four game pieces, each of which is numbered from 101 to 214 and correspond to the 118 rectangular spaces on the 8 page game “board.”

It’s nothing like traditional Monopoly. This game goes on forever, and no one I know ever wins.

Now, fools open each game token one at a time, and then hunt down each of the four pieces on the board.

That takes forever. I have a different system. I tear off all the tabs and sort the pieces by numerical order and lay them out on the table from left to right. When I am done, I have 1,200 token strips collected during the past month of going to BUY milk but always coming home with bags of more food. I put the food in what I still call the “ice box.” When they’re sorted, I start scanning the numbers working my way from 101 to 214.

You have to lick the backs of each token and paste them in their numbered spot.

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Guess what? I’m always short one or two coupons for the 24 possible winning sections that range from prizes of $5 in food coupons to $1 million, a new Tesla and – just what I don’t need – an iPad. Who buys iPads any more?

Like millions of people across the country who have been suckered into this game of chance, I am missing two pieces for the $1 million prize (tokens 105A and 107A), two pieces for the Tesla (117C and 122C), and 2 pieces for the $50,000 home makeover (125 D and 126D).

As I type this column, I have to keep tearing my tongue, which is glued to the top of my mouth from all the stamp glue I accumulated while licking the pieces to make them stick.

Meanwhile, stacks of worthless paper carefully torn apart pile up as I contemplate my disappointment.

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Of course, this game keeps me from wasting my money on the Illinois Lottery, or going to the casinos. But that doesn’t keep me home.

“Need more milk Honey?” I scream to the wife.

I’m addicted!

 

 

 

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

Monopoly Jewel Game Cards

(Ray Hanania is an award winning columnist and media consultant. Reach him at [email protected])

Ray Hanania

Blogger, Columnist at Illinois News Network Online
Ray Hanania is senior blogger for the Illinois News Network news site. He is an award winning former Chicago City Hall political reporter and columnist who covered the beat from 1976 through 1992 (From Mayor Daley to Mayor Daley). And, Hanania is a stubborn and loud critic of the biased mainstream American news media.

In 1976, he was hired by the Chicago community newspaper The Southtown Economist (Daily Southtown) and in 1985 was hired by the Chicago Sun-Times and covered Chicago City Hall for both. In 1993, he launched the “The Villager” Newspapers which covered 12 Southwest Chicagoland suburban regions. He hosted a live weekend Radio Show on WLS AM radio from 1980 through 1991, and also on WBBM FM, WLUP FM and shows on WSBC AM in Chicago and WNZK AM in Detroit.

Hanania is the recipient of four (4) Chicago Headline Club “Peter Lisagor Awards” for Column writing. In November 2006, he was named “Best Ethnic American Columnist” by the New American Media;In 2009, he received the prestigious Sigma Delta Chi Award for Writing from the Society of Professional Journalists. Hanania has also received two (2) Chicago Stick-o-Type awards from the Chicago Newspaper Guild, and in 1990 was nominated by the Chicago Sun-Times for a Pulitzer Prize for his four-part series on the Palestinian Intifada.

Hanania’s writings have been published in newspapers around the world. He currently is syndicated through Creators Syndicate and his column is feature every Sunday in the Saudi Gazette in Saudi Arabia. He has written for the Jerusalem Post, YNetNews.com, Newsday in New York, the Orlando Sentinel, the Houston Chronicle, The Daily Star, the News of the World, the Daily Yomimuri in Tokyo, Chicago Magazine, the Arlington Heights Daily Herald, and Aramco Magazine. His Chicagoland political columns are published in the Southwest News-Herald and Des Plaines Valley News on several Chicagoland blogs including the OrlandParker.com and SuburbanChicagoland.com.

Hanania is the President/CEO of Urban Strategies Group media and public affairs consulting which has clients in Illinois, Florida, Michigan and Washington D.C.

His personal website is www.TheMediaOasis.com. Email him at: [email protected]
  • http://www.IllinoisNewsNetwork.com/ Ray Hanania

    Readers Write:

    What a great guy you are ! I hope you win Jewel Monopoly and am wishing you and loved ones the best of everything. The world needs more people just like YOU.

    JO

  • http://www.IllinoisNewsNetwork.com/ Ray Hanania

    Readers write:

    I enjoy your columns and today is no exception. I solved the problem of the confusing game board by using a red marker to more easily identify each section as I multitask putting the pieces down while playing Scrabble. Too much time would be wasted if I sat with stacks and stacks of them all at once!

    MK